Instant Queue Review- Christmas Cupid

Okay so here’s how my ratings will work:

Actual Rating: This is a general 0-5 star rating much akin to the ratings you’ll get anywhere else. This takes into account things like: writing, directing, acting, all those things they teach people in film school that they think are important.

Enjoyment rating: This is my personal bias. A film might get 1 star up above and 5 stars down here because for some strange reason I really liked it. A good example of this would be Troll 2 or any movie with puppies. I freaking love puppies.

Kate’s Cryometer: Sometimes a movie is complete crap. The writing, the directing, the acting, and the lack of puppies, come together to make a complete film abomination, but for some strange reason Kate still cries. I figured I’d include this for all those people out there looking to get their heartstrings pulled.

Blasphemy Rating: Every once in a while you can get a great film that I really enjoyed and made Kate cry that also flies in the face of the very God I love and worship. Usually it’s somewhat subtle, sometimes it’s blatant, but I figured this should be at least noted for those of you who want to avoid facing theological and existential crises when trying to enjoy a film on the ol’ Instant Queue.

So here it goes. A review of Christmas Cupid:

I've already run out of funny captions...

Actual Rating: 2.5 a completely average film, no offensive mistakes in filmmaking but certainly no accomplishments either. This film has that fresh factory made taste that some people love. Enjoy it with a Twinkie and a can of store brand “Dr. Thunder”.

He got his degree at Mediocrity University

Enjoyment: 3 it was incredibly mediocre but since it was a Christmas movie I found myself flooded with feelings of nostalgia, and since it was another rehashing of The Christmas Carol it reminded me of 2 of my absolute favorite Christmas things. 1. Boy Meets World Christmas episode. 2. A Muppet Christmas Carol. Both are flawless in my opinion and so this movie gets a slight ratings boost.

Kate’s Cryometer: 3 slight misting. Much to my surprise, and to her’s, she found herself getting really sad at the thought that (SPOILER ALERT!) the lead character’s angel friend was going to die and go off to heaven. It certainly was trying to pull the heartstrings.

Blasphemy Rating: 5. This is the kind of film that when you stop and think about it you realize that arguing about Love Wins for months could never stop Hollywood from pissing all over Christianity just to make a buck.

OVERALL: 2 stars

What really tipped the scales was the blasphemy, read on!

Let me start by saying it’s really hard to mess up a Christmas movie. All you have to do is come up with some slightly believable problem, solve it miraculously, and say “yeah! The spirit of Christmas!” For me you can gain points by actually talking about Jesus (ie Charlie Brown Christmas) and you can lose points by preaching the gospel of overspending (ie Jingle All the Way, no offense former Governator).

            I felt safe watching this film and knowing that it would likely follow formula but then I realized that this was ABC Family and as of late they’ve got this strange knack for making things really uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder if their writers rooms are made up entirely of pedophiles trying to over-sexualize teenagers. Take the laughably awful Secret Life of the American Teenager for example, I’m fine with talking about teen pregnancy and the way that affects people but when every character is defined by their sexual experiences I feel like I’m watching a lifeless version of UK’s Skins. If people want smut there’s always the Internet, we don’t need to be mixing it into every television show anymore.

            So going back to Christmas Cupid, we have a protagonist who is supposed to be the Scrooge of the story, she simple doesn’t understand Christmas or how to love people. Then we have the Marley (for those who are familiar with the Christmas Carol) she’s like this sidekick that get’s the ball rolling. In this case the Marley is modeled after self-obsessed and self-destructive teen star Lindsey Lohan, but in the cartooniest way possible. When we are introduced to the character she begins grinding up on a giant stuffed teddy bear because… well she’s crazy and only cares about sex… with TEDDY BEARS?!?

this seriously happened...

He is not amused.

            So here we are with a heartless witch for a protagonist and a brainless drunken horn-dog for a sidekick. I’m all about anti-heroes but this is just too much. Now a typical Christmas Carol would have the lead character pass out for the night, go through 3 different spirits who help them see the err of their ways and then wake up to find it’s not too late. Instead we have the sidekick come back as a ghost who shows the Scrooge 3 exes over the course of about a week all while the Scrooge is trying to get with one of her exes even though she’s dating someone else.

            Keep in mind that the Christmas Carol story only works with a completely depraved Scrooge, that’s the reason why the Scrooge doesn’t have a love interest typically, because he’s a soulless monster. In this film I’m supposed to believe the main character is despicable at the same time I am supposed to think they deserve to get with the great guy who has always loved them. Why he loves her, no one knows. Why she deserves to get with him, no one knows.

            All of that complete no sense I was prepared to dismiss. I wasn’t looking for a film that perfectly understood the greatness of the original Christmas Carol, I was looking for some good Christmas-y fun. But when things start to wrap up and I still feel like the main character is heartless and the sidekick is a self entitled party girl none of the conclusion is heartwarming or even enjoyable. I call this the “Something Borrowed” effect. For those who have seen the film you know John Krasinki’s character is the only good person in the entire movie, and he gets boned. Now in Christmas Cupid that guy from One Tree Hill that left for greener pastures is stuck playing the good guy who ends up with a heartless witch for NO REASON.

            The thing that really gets me though is that the big conclusion features the idiot party girl (who died choking on a martini olive) GOING TO HEAVEN! Where there’s a big party waiting for her. 

Not pictured: copious amounts of alcohol and man-whores (they were implied)

Now since she died and has been a ghost/angel the only help she’s given her friend is being a complete pain in the butt. She appears at a conference meeting to make disgusting passes at the old man (which I’m assuming was supposed to be funny) and almost gets the main character fired. She continues being intrusive and disruptive while also maintaining this sense of idiocy and self-righteousness… only so in the end she can go to heaven. How is that anybody’s idea of how the afterlife works?? And now I’m stuck, having wasted an hour and a half of my life, questioning the theological implications of this nonsense plot. Oh, and Kate is tearing up*. If I could ask for my money back from an instant queue, I would.

            This movie is so un-Christmas-y that it offends my senses. It’s one of those rare occasion where the more good they try to do (like wrapping this whole mess up in pretty nostalgic Christmas bows) only serves to make the film worse. If you were to unwrap it and look at it as just another ABC Family movie it would be incredibly mediocre, almost as mediocre as the long list of blonde white guys that Christina Millian’s character dated. Apparently all of their casting consisted of pointing at the pages in an Abercrombie ad and saying “we can make those abs act!”

            You cannot.

*Kate would like to clarify that “death of any kind makes me cry”… sure Kate ;-)

**I would like to give a shout out to a stranger named Ashley Benson who made all of this possible with her nearly 3000 meticulously captured screens of this awful film. Many of them have zero views. What a shame: http://ashleybenson.info/photos/displayimage.php?album=196&pid=10082#top_display_media