Instant Queue Review- Snowglobe

Christina Milian, you’re back! You must have been off making some really crappy pop music. Oh you don’t do that anymore? Just Christmas movies?

Sorry.

She holds it like it's a grammy, how cute.

Alright guys were here for another go ‘round the ol’ Instant Queue and this time with a few familiar friends. Christian Milian is here with another ABC Family movie but before we go much further let’s look at the stars:

Actual Rating: 3 stars. As far as movies go this is nothing spectacular. Decent script. Decent directing. Poor acting but not so bad that it’s laughable. Overall it did have some good moments in the script and certainly wasn’t as bland as Christmas Cupid so it’s gets a .5 star boost.

Enjoyment Rating: 3 stars. Again, I found myself liking it mostly because it was a Christmas movie, but I will say it had some good twists and moments in the script that I genuinely did not expect, even if they were similar to movies like Pleasantville or Coraline (both great movies).

Kate’s Cryometer: a half tear. No actual tears were shed but she found one of the actors attractive and that made me cry a bit.

Blasphemy Rating: 1 star (should I really measure blasphemy in stars, I’m not sure). Now this movie is very different from the last in that I think it actually had a good message. The difficulty is that it’s not talking directly about God or the afterlife like the other one did so it’s harder to judge blasphemy. Overall the film had some good ideas that I felt reflected biblical teachings which means it’s got to be less than 2.5 stars on the blasphemy rating. A zero stars would be complete Christian doctrine so a 1 is a good amount.

Overall: 3 Stars

The theme of this review will be “slightly above average”. The movie did a great job of not being offensive to my senses or to the art of film while also not standing out that much. The moments that did stand out seemed almost accidental, but overall it was the general plot that won me over.

Christina Milian is back, as I mentioned before, but this time with no crazy sex obsessed bear humper like we saw in the last movie (I know some of you are disappointed) but the first twist is that Christina Milian actually ISN’T BLACK? Now I’m not trying to say that every black actress needs to portray a stereotypical black character but in this case her character is flat out Italian. Christian Milian is by no means Italian, in all fairness she actually isn’t black either (she’s Cuban and her birth name was Christina Flores… I now officially know too much about Christina Milian). She certainly seemed black with her R & B career and her… I’m gonna stop before I dig any deeper with this whole “racist” thing. I don’t care if she’s Cuban, Peruvian, or Snooki (Christina Milian is also from Jersey) but she is not Italian!

This is a screen cap from her "Dip it Low" music video.

In case you need convincing of this point just listen to her terrible Italian accent. It’s confusing to me as to why they would keep the character Italian when they could have just as easily changed the family to a bunch of Cubans… but apparently ABC Family isn’t that kind of family.

Now, since I’ve clearly done a lot of research on Christina Milian I can say she seems to be a nice person and I don’t want to tear her down too much… or more than I already have, and like I said the beauty of this film is in its plot. Christina Milian’s family is trying desperately to get her a husband (I guess this is an Italian stereotype), so much so that they rent out the rooms next to her in her apartment complex only to attractive single men. I feel like if I saw an ad for an apartment in the paper that said “seeking only attractive single men” I would certainly not apply, unless I was feeling especially saucy that day.

I asked for a picture of the apartment and this is what they sent.

So this guy moves in who is awesome, but awesome in the rough around the edges way, in the sense that he has a sense of humor but is super nice and caring and artistic… so really just awesome, but Christina Miliana Corleone turns down this offer she can’t refuse (oh man, that was a good one!) because she is so obsessed with Christmas that she wants a perfect man (later we’ll find out this means blonde and stupid).

So she gets this magic snow globe that sucks her into a world of Christmas perfection where nobody kisses or has romantic thoughts and they all give each other mittens. I don’t know about you but that just sounds terrifying and sad, like a Christmas party at a hospital. “Here’s some mittens to keep you warm Mr. Corleone” “Thank you, I feel nothing but the darkness of my impending death”.

But for some reason she loves it, so much that she falls in love with one of the guys who is skating in circles perpetually. She ends up going over to his house where every time she opens the oven there’s another completely cooked turkey. She does open it multiple times and in when the mom of the house sees she basically just calls Christina Milian fat. Even in the perfect world she can’t catch a break.

So she keeps going back to this world every time she falls asleep until something happens. The creepy blonde haired perpetual skater guy follows her home through a magical gateway back to the real world.

No, she’s not terrified. She’s over joyed to have this perfect man in the real world. Now mind you she’s already fallen in the love with the real guy in the real world and so this ends up making for a crazy Shakespearean dramatic irony where you know what’s going on but the parents don’t but they find out and they don’t tell her even though she could help and then all of sudden things get worse. Now she’s stuck in the snow globe and she realizes she actually stole the creepy man away a creepy woman… a very creepy woman. Christina Milian didn’t just bring love into this sanitized world of perfection she brought lust and greed too. Oh that evil trollop. That’s what she gets for dreaming and accidently showing up in a magical world.

It makes you wonder how many perfect worlds this little
jerk is ruining right now.

In the end everything works out. Christina Milian realizes that there’s no place like home for the holidays and there is now kissing allowed in the snow globe. Yah!

It’s everything I’ve ever wanted for Christmas!

Overall this movie was much better than Christmas Cupid. Mostly because it didn’t make me feel like God was mad at me but also because I really related to that idea of seeking out perfection. In a way it reminded me of Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris which came out recently. I always get wrapped up in the nostalgia of Christmas, and dwelling on the memories of my life which I’ve warped to believe are perfect that I often forget that Christmas is new every single year and yet it never loses it’s awesomeness. Each Christmas is unique (I’m trying desperately to avoid a snowflake metaphor), but it’s still the best time of the year.

I hope this season brings to you new gifts and new excitement, and maybe some twists that you didn’t see coming. Maybe you’re actually Cuban, who knows?

Thanks for reading.